How can we be in unity and disagree?

In this episode of Balancing the Christian Life, we talk about disagreeing agreeably. Welcome to Balancing the Christian Life. I'm Dr Kenny Embry. Join me as we discover how to be better Christians and people in the digital age. So my wife is in the passenger seat. She doesn't like driving, but she also gets antsy watching someone else do it. She watches the traffic around me and gets a little nervous about one of the semis that even I think is getting just a little too close on my right side. When we got her car, I opted for a newer Subaru because it has a lot of safety features built into it. It's got something that gauges if you're going to hit something and can even engage the brakes for you if you need it. It has adaptive cruise control, which helps you keep a safe distance from the car in front of you. Those lights on the sides of the mirrors tell you if there's someone coming up in your blind spot. It knows if you're in the middle of the lane or if you need to scoot over a little, and will even assist the steering wheel. It's a pretty safe car and I'm impressed with some of the things it does to keep us from having an accident. So when the semi started scooching close, I was not nearly as concerned as Katie. I had some faith in the safety mechanisms of the car itself and maybe Katie was overreacting. She does that sometimes, but sometimes I'm not concerned enough. I occasionally feel like Katie would feel better if we could cover the car in bubble wrap, but that's not only silly. I don't even know how that would work. We're fine, just breathe. But she's clutching the door and I know pretty well how tense she's getting. This isn't the only disagreement my wife and I have had, but I do know some battles are worth fighting because they will help Katie get more courage, and some battles are both pointless and stupid for me to wage, because there's no upside to being a mule in a tiff. That means nothing. Cuts like this are difficult to unpack because there's not a way to see who's right or wrong in this situation. I mean, we're not going to pull out a measuring tape and see how close the truck is. I'm guessing, and Katie is too. We're simply trusting in two different interpretations. I'm trusting the car sensors and my gut. Well, katie is trusting her eyesight and her gut. And, yes, some of the safety features of the car have failed in the past, so she's got a reason to not trust the technology. As Christians, learning how to disagree productively is always tricky. Disagreements can be over issues that are right or wrong. You can go back to the standard and see definitively who's right and who's wrong. Those kinds of disagreements do happen but, honestly, the disagreements I worry about most are the ones where there's not a clear winner. In Peter's first letter, he asks us for unity, but what happens when we see the same verses and come to different conclusions? What happens when one of us wants to change lanes and the other wants to stick it out where we are? I'm going to suggest, before you come out, both guns blazing and taking no prisoners because they should get theirs, and this is obviously someone who is wrong and deserves to suffer the fate of a false teacher. Well, I think there are some safeguards you need to consider. Specifically, I think you need to ask yourself number one, how much do you truly love the other versus how much do you want to win? Secondly, what other motivations might be going in your defense or attack? Third, what do you really know, what do you not know and what's just not knowable? Fourth, how do you plan to talk to the people you disagree with. And finally, if you're just at an impasse, well, what do you do then? Peter was in an interesting situation because he talks a lot about suffering for doing good stuff. In 1 Peter 3.8 he says finally, all of you have a unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart and a humble mind. Stop. How much do you love the person you disagree with? Yes, I know there's a big difference between liking and loving, and I am asking about loving. Loving doesn't mean agreement. Loving doesn't mean you don't criticize, but love doesn't get happy because you expose the evil. It's not rude, arrogant or insist. Everything goes your way. It's not irritable or resentful. Look, you recognize I've been paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13,. But ask yourself this how much do you love the person you disagree with? The fact they don't love you doesn't really mean anything. That's not your job. Your job is to control you. My wife and I have been in some pretty heated arguments before. However, one of the things I often do when we're trading barbs is to remember two things I really love her and she really loves me. We've had plenty of opportunities to get out and we're both still here. The second thing I remember is some things you say just can't be taken back. The woman I'm fighting with signed up for the Lifetime Kenny Embry Plan. She's seen me, both smart and stupid. She's the mother of my kids and she's the one who will do all the disgusting things I can't when I'm old and debilitated. She doesn't deserve abuse because I'm just attacking myself at that point. I understand I'm talking about a spouse and there's a certain amount of leeway you give to family. You understand you don't always like family, but you always love family because, well, they're family, they're connected to you, whether they like it or not, and we're spiritual family. The end of this fight might very well mean that we don't get along. We can't worship together, we can't come eye to eye on some spiritual point, gotcha, but be very certain that you love this person, because I can't find a passage where Jesus tells us it's okay to hate our spiritual family or our enemies. As a matter of fact, the only thing I know is you owe every single person to love them, so be sure that you do. Second, please check yourself. Why do you want to fight? And let's be clear I've wanted to fight on many occasions. I want to fight for the unborn, I want to fight for the victims and the voiceless. I want to fight for those mired and corporate and political injustice. I also want to fight because winning feels good. I enjoy the videos on YouTube where Ben Shapiro destroys someone or Jordan Peterson decimates someone with two lines and impeccable logic. It's fun and it's funny. Plus, we live with a form of government where we have the ability and, many argue, the mandate to stand up for morality in the voting booth and in the public square, like social media. I will never argue against supporting morality. I'm just going to ask you to once again go back to step one and ask if you love the ones you're condemning or if you're just wanting to show them as the unthinking idiots they undoubtedly are. Look, I'm not naive. I know evil exists. I know, as Christians, we have real enemies. I know there are times to fight for what's right, but it's important to remember the full armor of God is meant to fight the devil, the evil one. I can't speak for you, but let me speak for me. Growing up, I had some really stupid ideas. I mean, when I was a child I thought as a child I made silly, stupid mistakes. I had some truly faulty logic. When I was younger I sank way too much money into a 1986 Pontiac 6000, which served me pretty poorly almost the entire way through college. Only one windshield wiper worked. The driver's side door had fallen off but I was able to jerry-rig it back on so you couldn't go in and out that door but you could go in and out the passenger door. The engine stalled with alarming consistency. When it started there was the distinct smell of charred mouse probably from some rodent who died in the engine. And the straw that broke the camel's back was when I was driving home from church on a Wednesday night and the steering wheel fell off in my lap. It didn't pop off, but the entire steering column was suddenly being supported by my knee. I was a block from the house and managed to pull it into my driveway. I put too much faith in a car that was never going to serve me well. I stupidly held onto that car before I figured out I should have jumped ship years before. So why did I put up with so much? Because I was 20 years old and stupid. Some people have terrible motives and need to be exposed, and some people have pure motives and are deluded. Yes, there are times with Stan Peter to his face, and there are also times to pull a policy aside and talk with him privately. But in both cases, make sure your motives are to love the person you're talking with and to consider them at least as important as yourself. Or, to put it the way Peter did, with a tender heart, focusing on the unity you have in a God who loves you both. Yes, some people spew lies and hatred. Stand up to it, but, to use an old cliche, hate the sin but love the sinner. Be patient, kind and full of grace, especially in the face of people who do not deserve it. Third, it's also important you know what God has to say and what God doesn't say. All scripture must be interpreted. I'm not talking about putting Greek to English, but I am saying you have to interpret modesty in order to enforce it. Paul would talk about the importance of not bickering over opinions when it comes to meat sacrifice to idols. In that part of Romans, paul identifies the stronger and the weaker brother. We will disagree about some of our interpretations. Of course we will Look. I disagree with Kenny Ambrie from ten years back and I worry when we don't reconsider some of the conclusions we came to in order to preserve face or stand by some opinion you've changed as you grew up as a Christian. I'm also not saying, when you come to the same conclusion about instrumental music or divorce and remarriage or any of the thousand other positions you've held for years, that you back away from why you believe what you believe. But Peter again tells us to be humble, proverbs tells us deflect anger with a gentle answer. We need to speak the truth in love. And if you think life is too short to deal with idiots, may I remind you we have all been idiots on occasion. Thank God he doesn't have the same opinion. If you have good reasons to believe what you believe, give your reasons and please safeguard your attitude. And when you communicate your interpretation and application of the text, don't shy away from what you don't understand, but instead be transparent about both your beliefs, the strength of your convictions and the love you have for those you disagree with. College Kenny needed someone to pull him aside and tell him it was time to cut that Pontiac loose. I needed guidance, not blasting. But if you have to agree to disagree or simply part ways, take a note from Paul and Barnabas. In Acts 15, we're told they disagreed about John Mark. He was a relative of Barnabas and the disagreement eventually divided the dynamic duo of Christianity. Look, the disagreements I see so often among brethren have to do with personalities, me included. We don't honestly know why they disagreed about John Mark, but it's pointed out he had left them at Pamphylia. I don't know if he had a good reason to leave, but the fight I've played out in my head has to do with Paul focusing on the mission to spread the word of God, while Barnabas wanted to help John Mark grow in his ability to evangelize. Was Paul right? Was Barnabas wrong? Or was it the other way around? We aren't told, but it is my interpretation. They're both right. People make mistakes and Barnabas was giving John Mark a second chance to grow in his knowledge and skills. Good for Barnabas. And Paul was so concerned about having strong people around him to help spread the word. Good for Paul. Look, it's a pretty package to say the both of these godly men were right in their convictions, but sometimes you honestly believe someone else is wrong and you have to agree to disagree or leave each other completely. I'll ask you again where does God tell us to hate those who disagree with you or the license to verbally bully those who come to a different conclusion. Christ didn't come to the world to condemn the world, but to save it. When you disagree, you need to leave a back door open for the other person to come back or for you to sneak out because you changed your mind. One of you or both of you might be bullheaded idiots. So when you think about that person you disagree with, take another lesson from Peter and bless them, pray for them. Be united on what unites you, but disagree to help, not hurt. My wife is still scared in the passenger seat, but right now I'm the one driving and we're going to stay in this lane. Yes, I think she's being a little anxious, but I do trust the sensors in the car right now, but I'm also going to try and pass this semi as soon as I safely can. Hey, I love my wife and this is a difference that eventually has a pretty easy fix. But not all of our squabbles are that way. I'd be lying if I said there were fights I didn't have simply to win, or that it felt good when I did and yes, I have won some, but generally I'm not better when I win, because I love the one who lost. She's too important to me. Her life is inextricably linked to mine. She's not always right and she's often wrong, but so am I. We learned a while ago it's always better when we stop fighting each other and instead fight the problem, but we have to relearn that a lot. We have to remember we're not two people really. We're united. We're really just one unit. We're in this together and we've signed up for the lifetime plan. Look the suitor. We figure out how to stop fighting each other and start fighting the evil one, the better. We'll figure out how the armor of God is supposed to be worn and used, as Paul would tell people who are being attacked to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another is. God in Christ forgave you. There's a time to fight, but be sure you properly identify the enemy and be sure you properly identify who you're supposed to love. As for the good thing I'm thinking about, frankly I'm grateful for the help of friends. Jerry Bowman and Mark McCrary ended up doing almost all of the editing of the videos from the recent conference and it was a huge blessing to me. I need to thank those guys. They took a part of the entire experience and made it easier. Thank you. I really do appreciate it. I recently asked people to give me some ideas about what to talk about on the podcast, and the theme of overcoming was an overwhelming favorite, so I plan to release a conversation I had with Benjamin Lee about exactly that. It was a great conversation and I think you'll be better off for it. So until next time, let's be good and do good.